Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
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he chose this
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.