Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
You Might Also Like
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.