When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I like long walks away from everyone
mood
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it