> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
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when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95