If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
You Might Also Like
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!