*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
You Might Also Like
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.