What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
You Might Also Like
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Every. Damn. Time.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..