My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
WHY would you be happy about this?
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha