On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
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[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable