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My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now