Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
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Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Hero horse inspires millions
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.