A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
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*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.