I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
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Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
The government even made aliens boring
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁