Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
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*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
*jazz hands*
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.