“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
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KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Sharon, call the vet
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.