Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
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Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
How is it still this week?
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.