If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
bad news gang
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.