somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
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I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!