My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
You Might Also Like
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
That’s fair
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
look at me when i’m typing to you
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.