Just in case to be clear #gbbo
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
is there nothing we can trust anymore
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*