Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
A roof is a house hat.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.