Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
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I feel like one of these would kill a European
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
haha same
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*