I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Meow
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her