Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
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Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
…u ok Nintendo?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Remember to think of others this holiday season!