If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
The real reason evolution started..馃槀
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
馃
Dilated Pupils
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
It鈥檚 been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”