*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
You Might Also Like
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Oh my god
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.