You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
You Might Also Like
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.