Why are bridges so flammable.
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A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.