I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
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Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.