I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
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Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Mad Max Arctic Road
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide