4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
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You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Blew my mind.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”