A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
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him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
This tweet has been deleted
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?