Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
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International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up