People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
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me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.