2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
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Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Blew out my flip flop…
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Sorry. Not sorry
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*