Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
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5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
We need more people like this.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.