Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
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As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Note to self: always read the final line
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.