For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.