“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
You Might Also Like
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s the weekend y’all
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?