They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
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it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct