When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
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I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.