Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
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My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*