wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
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Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?