If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
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Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.