Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
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Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..