I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
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[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.