Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
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Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.