My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
You Might Also Like
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Rooting for the overdog
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*