You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
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*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 馃槧.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
You are not alone 馃挌
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he鈥檚 a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she鈥檚 a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he鈥檚 a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn鈥檛 scare and confuse you, it probably should
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain鈥檛 even know what the shit meant
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can鈥檛 even get a girl to text me back
Sometimes I鈥檓 sandpaper and sometimes I鈥檓 chapstick and sometimes I鈥檓 bad at metaphors.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 馃挄
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
God: you鈥檙e a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I鈥檓 sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800