I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
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Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.